A Tribute to Learning to be Friends With Men

Real men have partners and wives and ex-wives and children and jobs. Better still, they have careers, and if not rich, are in control. Lately, I am eager to hear about their offspring and hobbies. Where do you volunteer and whom do you help? And if you’re in a crisis, give me the details and tell me how you’re handling it. We’ve all been there.

I’ve spent too many years with my head in the clouds and in my crotch. Now that it’s finally over and I have to age gracefully, I am enjoying the simple realization that men and women can be different and not be enemies. Maybe because I’ve been there (except the children), it is a relief and a joy to find the ways that we are alike.

Sexuality can be off-putting and a wall between men and women. Perhaps that I’m getting “too old” for it, I can start relaxing and talk, human-to-human. The nice part about not being in the dating world is that you don’t have to be involved in the tensions. I really, truly, hope you are getting all you want and I really, truly, don’t want to hear about it.

There is the off chance that I have sex again, but I don’t want to talk about it. To talk about it is insecure and neurotic. And a bit of showing off and for God’s sake, it’s just sex. Billions of people for billions of years and rumor has it, it makes children. Many things in life feel good and if that is your only thrill, you should seek counseling immediately.

The world is collapsing. The economy is in ruins. Good young men are off in three wars are dying for their country. The elderly, poor, and sick are being marched off to die because we don’t want to tax the rich. Firemen and policemen and teachers are being laid off because we don’t want to tax the rich. And the rich are too dumb to figure out that if we have no money to spend, they will not longer be rich. We obviously need those teachers.

In the last few months, I’m discovering the value of my male friends simply as friends and advisors. What can I say? The boys have given me balls for the first time in my life. You need someone who can say, “Tell him to stick it up his ass.” and that’s seldom done by a lady.