Addiction gets stuck in the bargaining; where you want to just find a way to somehow make it good so that you don’t have to walk away, you don’t have to stop. But the definition of insanity is doing something over and over with the same result. And no matter what, the result will always be the same. I’m still not past the magic thinking. Still haven’t absorbed the truth that there’s nothing good to be had from the addiction, no matter how hard I try. You cannot raise the Dead, especially if they are comfortable in their grave.
Most important trick to get you sane: A lapse does not mean you have returned to the addiction, only that you had a lapse. If you don’t interpret it as a failure, then you haven’t failed. You just did what Lot’s wife did and turned around to look, only you haven’t turned to salt, you can still turn away again and move forward. If you keep moving forward, you will soon be far enough away that you could not see it if you turned.
This is why I am using the 5 steps instead of the 12, which are good, but imperfect. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Letting go of the bargaining makes you realize that nothing will work and you are temporarily Depressed. Acceptance is elusive and your mind resists because it is final. I’m getting there. The next step is what I did with cigarettes and alcohol. They do not exist. These things they call “cigarettes” and “alcohol” are not what I used. The ones I abused no longer exist and will never be made again. I have to stop looking for the proofs that my addiction is alive and start to consider it dead and gone. We’re getting there step by step.