Thursday, April 28, 2011

I Can't Produce my Original Birth Certificate.

Thirty-six years ago, I married and changed my name from Susan Carol Boring to Susan Boring Reinhard, thinking marriage covered it. But, I could not get a driver’s license unless I called myself Susan Carol Reinhard, so I did. Social Security accepted Susan Boring Reinhard, as did my banks, etc. But in 2006, the State of New Jersey decided they could catch terrorists and illegal aliens by requiring the Social Security name on the Drivers’ License, completely forgetting the fact that terrorists and illegals don’t have ANY driver’s license at all.

So, for $3,000, I took the fast and easy route, just so I only had to redo the license, I opted for Susan Boring Reinhard. Yes, Boring is my middle name. (Thanks, Dad! Did it for you. I’m an idiot). The State of Pennsylvania destroyed my original birth certificate for Susan Carol Boring and now I am officially born Susan Boring Reinhard.  (This annoys my mother because she hates my first husband so much that she spells my name Rinehard after thirty-six years, thus voiding me from her will.)

Of course, if I were President, not being African-American, I probably wouldn't be forced to produce it, you racist pigs who demanded it of Obama.

And being that in the last few weeks, I have allowed a huge pile of reality into my life, driving out all the fantasy, I am wondering if I am any one of these people, Boring, Reinhard or Rinehard. Retirement and Disability are what is Boring. Being fat, and old, with a disproportioned face is what is Boring. And that is my middle name. Legally. Here I stand, on two legs and a cane, alone in reality. I have to figure out how to make it all Reinhard again. (This annoys my first husband, Ethan Reinhard, who wanted me to go back to Boring after the divorce. Not for a last name, Kid.) You can’t go back. You can’t change anything...except the name you were born with.

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