Saturday, July 21, 2012
I'm a Lousy Feminist
It just dawned on me this morning, as I accept that I've reached the
age of no return, that I am a lousy Feminist and always have been. Oh, I
made all the right noises about equality, but my Mother's dictum that
"A woman needs a husband." has always been etched on my brain. I'm not
as bad as Mom, who won't even drive a car, but I still feel her sense
that I'm a failure without a man. Now, even SHE knew both my husbands
were mistakes, but I was desperately grabbing at anything male and I
always went straight for the ones I thought were so weird no one else
would take them. I paid no attention to my education or accomplishments
and just went through the motions, even unto a Broadway audition for one
of my scripts, it was more about the man and not me. I paid their bills
and cooked and cleaned and they made sure that it was never enough, so
that I worked harder. When I realized that they were pursuing other
women, I left but went on looking for some other Dream Prince Charming,
whose numbers got smaller and smaller as I aged. And, here I am, admitting
that I always put myself in second place, looking for that masterful
man. Oh, I would do my little writing thing, I would finish my degree,
but he was more important. None of us, not me or my men did much of
anything, although number one produced 4 amazing liberated Feminist
daughters with his second wife. I'm pretty damned proud of them. And it
may be too late for me now. The romance part, big time, but the writing
as well. With MS, I don't have the energy to pursue the dream, and on
stage, that's 18 hours a day, six days a week. I confess that I am not a
big reader of books and poetry. I'm too busy doing and my illiteracy
doesn't help. I can't sit and read because I'm supposed to be serving
somebody else's dream. Well, all we have is today, so I think now, at
nearly 63, I'm going to try to be a Feminist and I'm also going to try
to clean up and dress up a bit and be a bit more female. What the
Hell...I only have myself to please.
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good! you've been much too hard on yourself. you know damn well nobody's perfect, so why keep punishing yourself for being human?
ReplyDeleteinteresting that you just said 'they were pursuing other women', because it recently suddenly came to me that you believed that. just popped into my head unbidden. intuition, i guess, that took all this time to coalesce. it's a bit late, but i still want you to know that that particular realization of yours was another human error. it's no fun finding out you've been misjudged, believe me.
now forget about it. it doesn't matter anymore. these years haven't been completely wasted, have they? we all have regrets and baggage, but we've had remarkable experiences and learned things of value. that doesn't mean i'm one of those characters who says i wouldn't change anything if i could. if i'd known what i know now, i'd do a lot of things differently. hell, i might even be unfaithful to a woman who thinks i was.
but i doubt it.
Actually, I wasn't guessing about the cheating, the men I chose were rather proud of letting me know that they were seeing other women. Neither realized that their meal ticket was leaving till the last minute but I've learned an important lesson. If you forgive them, they read it as being allowed to come back after sin and would do it again. No regrets, just being honest. But part of the psychology of the men I chose was to tell me about the "Better" women they were seeing.
Deleteok, if that's what you need to believe, who am i to say you're wrong? personally, i prefer existentialism -- and poetry, of course! i thought it was worth a try, that's all. you're worth a try. life's too short for excuses.
Deletein case you didn't hear it, here's a link to a book review i heard on the radio a few days ago. don't get the wrong idea. i'm not sending it on account of the title but because of the way its last few lines deal with feminism:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.npr.org/2012/07/18/156856370/a-little-advice-on-how-to-be-a-woman