Saturday, July 21, 2012

I'm a Lousy Feminist

It just dawned on me this morning, as I accept that I've reached the age of no return, that I am a lousy Feminist and always have been. Oh, I made all the right noises about equality, but my Mother's dictum that "A woman needs a husband." has always been etched on my brain. I'm not as bad as Mom, who won't even drive a car, but I still feel her sense that I'm a failure without a man. Now, even SHE knew both my husbands were mistakes, but I was desperately grabbing at anything male and I always went straight for the ones I thought were so weird no one else would take them. I paid no attention to my education or accomplishments and just went through the motions, even unto a Broadway audition for one of my scripts, it was more about the man and not me. I paid their bills and cooked and cleaned and they made sure that it was never enough, so that I worked harder. When I realized that they were pursuing other women, I left but went on looking for some other Dream Prince Charming, whose numbers got smaller and smaller as I aged. And, here I am, admitting that I always put myself in second place, looking for that masterful man. Oh, I would do my little writing thing, I would finish my degree, but he was more important. None of us, not me or my men did much of anything, although number one produced 4 amazing liberated Feminist daughters with his second wife. I'm pretty damned proud of them. And it may be too late for me now. The romance part, big time, but the writing as well. With MS, I don't have the energy to pursue the dream, and on stage, that's 18 hours a day, six days a week. I confess that I am not a big reader of books and poetry. I'm too busy doing and my illiteracy doesn't help. I can't sit and read because I'm supposed to be serving somebody else's dream. Well, all we have is today, so I think now, at nearly 63, I'm going to try to be a Feminist and I'm also going to try to clean up and dress up a bit and be a bit more female. What the Hell...I only have myself to please.


  1. good! you've been much too hard on yourself. you know damn well nobody's perfect, so why keep punishing yourself for being human?

    interesting that you just said 'they were pursuing other women', because it recently suddenly came to me that you believed that. just popped into my head unbidden. intuition, i guess, that took all this time to coalesce. it's a bit late, but i still want you to know that that particular realization of yours was another human error. it's no fun finding out you've been misjudged, believe me.

    now forget about it. it doesn't matter anymore. these years haven't been completely wasted, have they? we all have regrets and baggage, but we've had remarkable experiences and learned things of value. that doesn't mean i'm one of those characters who says i wouldn't change anything if i could. if i'd known what i know now, i'd do a lot of things differently. hell, i might even be unfaithful to a woman who thinks i was.

    but i doubt it.

    1. Actually, I wasn't guessing about the cheating, the men I chose were rather proud of letting me know that they were seeing other women. Neither realized that their meal ticket was leaving till the last minute but I've learned an important lesson. If you forgive them, they read it as being allowed to come back after sin and would do it again. No regrets, just being honest. But part of the psychology of the men I chose was to tell me about the "Better" women they were seeing.

    2. ok, if that's what you need to believe, who am i to say you're wrong? personally, i prefer existentialism -- and poetry, of course! i thought it was worth a try, that's all. you're worth a try. life's too short for excuses.

  2. in case you didn't hear it, here's a link to a book review i heard on the radio a few days ago. don't get the wrong idea. i'm not sending it on account of the title but because of the way its last few lines deal with feminism: